Male & Female Sides of Being 'The Perfect Couple'

I don't mean perfect looking, perfect clothes and everyone is happy. I certainly am not referring to the douche-faced weasels in the above photo. He's probably banging the girl at the P.F. Chang's by his job and she's humping the face off her of her Crossfit coach. They are terrible, I don't like their smiles and I definetly don't like people who do everything in their power, to assure you they are always happy. You can't believe them because that is not real life. (Also, I don't know them, they are probably models, they probably don't know each other). 

Here are some of the characteristics that could make a couple, as close to a perfect couple, as is possible: 

  • Agreeing to watch "Bachelor in Paradise" with her, when you know, full well, there is an episode of "Ancient Aliens" you have yet to see. 
  • Agreeing to watch "Ancient Aliens" with him, when you know, full well, there is a new episode of "Bachelor in Paradise" you have yet to see. 
  • Ignoring her fart. 
  • Acknowledging his fart with a nod that says "well done." 
  • Holding her hair back when she's had too much Tequila. 
  • Holding his genitals when he's had too much Tequila. 
  • Setting him free for a weekend trip with the "boys" so he can get drunk in the woods, flip ATV's and shoot his pals with bottle rockets. 
  • Setting her free for a weekend, so she can go to a hotel with the "girls," dress up, go to a couple of expensive dinners and eventually babysit the one lady who gets drunk on "Skinny Girl" Margarita's. No one even wanted that bitch to come in the first place. Fucking Karen. 
  • Ignoring that he eats so fast that he make himself sick and shits the bathroom into oblivion.
  • Ignoring that she chews like a horse and eats so slow, you end up eating more just so you have something to do while you sit with her.
  • Not giving him a hard time for wanting to spend an entire day, on the couch, watching sports. 
  • Not giving her a hard time for insisting the entire family, pile in the car, to pick apples you could get for a dollar at the grocery store. 
  • Listening to his angry rant about the simplest of inconveniences. 
  • Listening to her story about the "hard time" her friend is going through, even though you don't even remember the person she is talking about. 
  • Fighting the urge to scissor kick one of his parents, in the neck for saying something Satanic to you. 
  • Fighting the urge to scissor kick one of her parents, in the neck for saying something Satanic to you. 
  • Rubbing his back. 
  • Rubbing her back.
  • Bringing him food.
  • Bringing her food.
  • Rubbing his front.
  • Rubbing her front.
  • Buying him Bongs and CBD from Grassy Plain.
  • Buying her Bongs and CBD from Grassy Plain.

Grassy Plain has two locations, one in Ridgefield at 197 Ethan Allen Highway and one in Bethel at 39A Grassy Plain Street. Go to one of them now, bring home something for your loved one and show them how much you love them.

Author  Lou Milano (I-95) - AKA Gerbil foot, AKA Eagle Wing, AKA Uncle Knuckles, AKA Dances With Wolf, AKA Giner Meat, AKA Chef, AKA Mynameadong

Hell, I do most of that shit I just wrote about, my wife should be delighted. I'll tell her about how delighted she should be.